i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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