I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
