Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
