My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
MIDGETS
????
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
did you just send me my own nude
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
