Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
