____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
