I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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