I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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