So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Randomize
