The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
