i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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