I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
