I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
