kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
