tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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