you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
pop tarts are not kleenex
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
