mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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