In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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