it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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