ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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