I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
