I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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