so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
