I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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