I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
