Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
