mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
