If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
