I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
