i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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