Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
