Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
