are you still at the devil's house?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
