I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
