last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
