the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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