Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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