I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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