going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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