i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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