I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
