don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
