saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
