I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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