i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
