Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize