Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
