my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
