If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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