Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
