Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize