im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We have so much sex to catch up on
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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