Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
