sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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