FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
