so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
There's always time for handjobs
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
