Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
