You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
