My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
