I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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