I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize