I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Sober January is a disaster.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
