I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
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