You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
