I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
