his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
