I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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