bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
