matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
