Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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